


Heartbreaks Are For Losers

by fantasize



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Friendship, HanChul - Freeform, HeeTeuk, Hope, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Super Junior - Freeform, Sweet, TeukChul, don't give up, dongchul, heehyuk, hyukchul, kangchul, suju - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16626182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantasize/pseuds/fantasize
Summary: Kim Heechul is going through heartbreak. The unexpected helps him.





	Heartbreaks Are For Losers

**Author's Note:**

> tw; suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm, mental health issues

He was fierce, a soul that could not be touched. The members of Super Junior had an intriguing first impression of the boy when they had first met. He was dressed in a pink flowery shirt, head adorned with a cowboy hat and thick locks of hair framing his face. He was beautiful in the weirdest way possible.

They liked it.

....

He sat alone in his room, staring at the empty bed in front of him. Eyes puffy, he had trouble opening them, so he just kept them closed. He didn't like being alone, because then he'd hear  _ his  _ voice.

His best friend that had left him, because a management company promised him something he could never have. He was mistreated, set on a slave contract, and no matter how much Heechul tried, it seemed like the stars weren't aligned for him and Hangeng.

Nothing was working right for Kim Heechul,

and Kim Heechul wasn't working right.

....

Hyukjae liked to stay quiet around people he was uncomfortable with, mainly being Heechul. They had hit it off early on during their debut, but everything had only gone wrong after that. He couldn't speak a straight sentence to the latter without feeling like he was being glared at.

Hyukjae stood at the door that joined the main hall and his room, watching the argument in front of him unfold.

"Hyung! Get a hold of yourself!" Kangin yelled out loud, but the one in mention didn't flinch. Instead, he continued to silently fill up his empty plastic water bottle and hum a song to himself.

Hyukjae wondered if anyone but him could recognize the song Heechul was singing. It was Shining Star, the song that Heechul and Hangeng would always sing together.

He stared pitifully as the man walked out the door, unfortunately having a schedule to tend for.

"Aish, seriously, that lazy ass doesn't care about us." Kangin muttered under his breath, as a tired Jungsoo appeared from the bathroom with wet hair and puffy eyes.

If Hyukjae had the guts, he would object.  _ That's not true! He does care for us, he's just sad. _

Unfortunately, he doesn't. No one else does either.

....

Jungsoo sits in front of the cracked mirror, observing his reflection.

He imagines Heechul sitting behind him, humming a Wonder Girls song as he sorted out the clothes he should wear for the day. "Jungsoo-ah, should I wear red or pink? It's for X-Man." He'd ask, looking behind his shoulder with arched eyebrows.

"Red for sure. It fits the female idol look you're going for," Jungsoo would teasingly answer, laughing as he'd lightly be shoved by Heechul.

He turned back, expecting to see a bright smile.

Instead, Jungsoo saw a white wall; what Heechul was turning into as he shed his colors.

....

Donghae missed waking up to Heechul's light caress and the smell of egg omelettes in the early morning.

He missed the warm hugs, the playful teasing, the spoiling.

Most importantly, he missed Heechul's welcoming smile.

Heechul brushed past Donghae as he trailed towards the fridge to get diet supplements. The younger observed Heechul's bandaged arm, which was hid by his sleeve.

"Hyung," He weakly called out, hoping the hollow shell of his cherished brother would hear.

"Hm?" Was the first thing he heard from Heechul in ages.

"You haven't ate anything in a few weeks. Why are you talking diet supplements to your room?" He asked with a concerned look, wanting to snatch it away from him. Heechul blankly stared at him with his bloodshot eyes, shrugging as he walked to his room which seemed to have become his home.

Donghae wanted to yell at Heechul. He wanted to tug at his arms and shake him up until he came back to his senses. He wanted to drag Hangeng back, scream at him to return for the sanity of his best friend.

Donghae partly thought it was his fault. If Heechul hadn't gotten into the car accident while driving to his father's funeral, he would still have something left to hold onto.

He wanted to help, but he couldn’t. He was powerless.

So he cried instead.

....

Hyukjae was eating a cup of instant ramen noodles, slurping them messily as he sat on the couch comfortably. He heard the falling of metal in the bathroom behind him, and his ears perked up as he heard a soft curse.

He turned around in his place, squinting his eyes. “I thought I was the only one without a schedule for today evening?” He muttered to himself, pushing the thought of ghosts away from his mind.

Hyukjae trailed up quietly to the bathroom door, twisting the doorknob open silently and only by a little.

His jaw slackened as he saw a sobbing Heechul staring down at a sink full of coughed up pills, a metal razor on the floor, and blood.

Oh no.

He shut the door immediately, feeling queasy. He was sick to his stomach, and had no one to blame except himself. How could he have let this happen?

Hyukjae pressed his back to against the door, tears falling down his cheeks. He made sure that he was hearing something, anything at all throughout the night, tucking a sleeping Heechul in when he heard a weight fall slack on to the other side of the door.

“I’m sorry, Hyung.” He whispered to a sleeping, more peaceful version of Heechul, as he kept watch out of fear.

....

Hyukjae soon realized he wasn't the only one who was too scared to actually do something. Everyone else in Super Junior was scared to say anything at all. The problem was, only one knew about what Heechul was doing to himself.

That was him.

Hyukjae wondered if this was getting out of hand.

He whipped his head around as he heard the sound of footsteps, hiding behind the wall. He heard a grunt come from someone's mouth, watching the shadow of an injured boy trying to walk to the kitchen. Hyukjae took a peek, surprised to see it was Heechul.

For the thousandth time, Heechul took out a bottle of diet supplements, as he looked around to see if anyone was watching him. Worry started to blossom in Hyukjae's gut as he snuck the bottle into the pocket of his sweatpants, limping back to his room.

The boy watched, but for some reason, he felt he shouldn't stay silent anymore.

After Heechul closed the door behind him, Hyukjae walked up to the barricaded entrance, twisting the doorknob open. Heechul looked up at him, as he jumped up to hide the bottle behind his back.

Hyukjae felt his heart race in nervousness as he closed the door behind him, stepping closer to the edge of Heechul's bed where he was sitting.

"Hyung, what are you doing?"

"What?" Heechul innocently inquired, lying between his teeth. Hyukjae frowned, pointing to the bottle of pills behind him.

Heechul let out a deep sigh, avoiding the younger’s gaze. He looked up at him all of a sudden, rage burning in his gaze. Heechul stood up suddenly, grabbing the collar of Hyukjae’s shirt. "You know what? Why do you guys not know what personal space is?? Do you need a reminder?? Huh?? My life is hell currently, okay? Fuck SM, fuck Hangeng, fuck idol life, fuck variety shows, fuck acting happy for the camera, and most importantly, fuck you!" He yelled.

Heechul softened as he saw tears dwell up in Hyukjae's eyes, now feeling immense guilt. He loosened his hold on the other’s collar, bringing them down to his sides.

Hyukjae shakily fell down on his knees, breaking down into tears as he let out every inch of worry and pain he had felt over the past month.

"Are you going to leave?" He asked while sobbing, looking up at Heechul with sorrowful eyes. Heechul sat back down on the bed, pain clear in his expression. "I don't know, Hyukjae-ah." He replied honestly. "Please don't, Hyung..." He held on to Heechul's legs, resting his forehead against his bony knees.

"We need you, Hyung. Super Junior needs you. I need you. This world needs you. I don't know if you mean leaving Suju or the world but don't do either, please. I'm begging you this one time. I’ve made spots for you in our choreos where you don't have to do much work. You have a beautiful voice. You take care of us when you can. You’re great at variety. You may not know it now but Super Junior won't be Super Junior anymore without you..."

Heechul gritted his teeth, sighing. “You’re either lying,” He said, “Or stupid.”

Hyukjae got mad, slamming his fist on the bed. “Oh, really? Do my tears look fake to you? Do you know about how Donghae’s been sick and unwilling to get out of bed since you’ve been like this? Do you know about how Jungsoo hyung and how he’s been so quiet and self reserved these days? Have you noticed how Kangin is lashing out more often nowadays? Have you?! Most importantly, have you ever thought about how Hangeng would feel if he saw you like this?”

Heechul gripped the bottle of pills in his hand tighter. “I need a drink,” He mumbled, but Hyukjae grabbed the bottle of his hands, glaring at the older. “I won’t let you ruin your life like this.” He argued.

“Why are you being like this? Since when did I matter to you?” Heechul asked, frustration flickering in his eyes. “I’m a bomb, Hyukjae. I don’t know when I’m gonna explode and fade into smoke, but one day I will. It won’t be pretty, and all of you will go down with me.”

“If that’s the risk for trying to save you, I’ll take it.” He replied, putting down the bottle next to him. He took Heechul’s bandaged hands in his, caressing the soft skin of the back of his hands. “We need you, Hyung. I need you.”

Silence.

“You’re listening, right? You’re gonna drop this act, right? You’ll consider my words at least?”

Heechul coughed dryly, bringing a hand to his head. Tears welled up in his tired eyes. “I don’t know…” He whispered.

“I know you will. Hyung will, right? He’ll at least try for us, right?”

_ Right? _

Heechul dropped down, sobbing in Hyukjae’s shoulders. He grabbed on to the other’s shirt, scrunching it up as the warm water dampened his shirt. Hyukjae had actually been wearing his stage outfit shirt, but he didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment. Sometimes, no words are better.

“I love you, Hyung. We all do. Even Kangin, okay? Don’t you worry, because guess what?” He paused as Heechul breathed in shakily, nodding his head into the crook of the younger’s neck. Hyukjae ran his hand through his friend’s hair, trying to soothe him.

“I’ve got you.  _ We’ve _ got you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> [ http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines ]
> 
> if you are having suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone. if you have no one to talk to, please call a suicide hotline. you'll get through it :) have hope!


End file.
